I didn’t need this today, Nicole.
Yeah, I was doing just fine on my own!
Ferreal, tho. It’s like she’s implying those aren’t simple, elementary facts of modern life, and judging those that don’t agree with her whinge-as-wisdom, FFS. 🤌🏼
😶
I’m sorry to inform you that this is not a given and most people do not feel this way. You see more people like this because you spend a lot of time on the internet. You know who else spends a lot of time on the internet? People like me who feel just as shitty as you do. We are not normal. Normal people do not visit lemmy, or know what a Linux operating system is.
I’m sorry that you feel so comfy with those little lies and acerbic fallacies, genuinely. Currently, isolation is a very real concern for many, if not most modern communities and humanity in general. The causes are legion, and the effects are often globally felt. For example, the entire country of Japan has been suffering from it for so long, they have a fucking word for the “lifestyle”, FFS.
Also, fuck “normal”. That’s just a word unimaginative mouthbreathers use to neg people with —and there are too many of them in the world already. No need to do it to yourself (or others). 🖖🏽
Also, fuck “normal”. That’s just a word
unimaginative mouthbreathers use to nsg
people with
Sometimes when I think “why can’t I just be normal???..”, I like to remind myself that there is no such think as “normal” :)
Dearest, you are coping by telling yourself that the way you feel is a fact of life. That everyone feels that way. They don’t, and you can feel better.
Yup, avoidant attachment style.
I’m generally seen as pretty emotionally open, but it’s always a front, like a negotiation to give the appearance of warmth but I’m terrified to open any deeper. I feel like what people think is the core us just the rind.
Babies will actually show this behavior as well- so this trauma goes DEEP. It might even be more genetic than behavioral. They’ve shown when a parent leaves a baby for a bit, the baby begins to cry, but when the parent returns, there are three responses (I’ll pretend a baby can speak, but this is what they say with body language):
- Ah! You were gone but now you’re back! I missed you and I’m happy you are here let’s play with my rattle (stable)
- OH MY GOD YOU ARE BACK I MISSED YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE EVER AGAIN I’M HOLDING ON TO YOU HARDER (Anxious)
- Oh, you’re back? That’s fine, I’m not gonna look at you. If I stop caring you can’t hurt me again. (Avoidant)
I know I’d keep a pretty clean & minimalist room as a kids- I remember straight up saying “I want to be able to pack up my life and leave at a moments notice and no one will ever know I ever existed” when I was 10. It’s still hard to believe people care about me in any meaningful way.
Weird thing- I had a very supportive childhood. Having a sister with intense ADHD was tough though since she took up 90% of my parents time, so I think that’s where it comes from.
I don’t really worry about abandonment at all. If anything, I’d be more worried about the opposite. People like me, and want to hang out with me, and I do not have the time, energy, or desire to hang out with most people. I’ve had more than my fair share of clingy, dependent “friends”, and I’m not a fan. Hyper-independent aloofness has definitely spared me many additions to that unfortunate list.
I don’t disagree that it’s a trauma response, but not always to abandonment (I wish), but often necessity. When you have to do everything, you learn how to do everything, and eventually there’s not much left to rely on other people for.
Have you tried telling people you don’t want to hang out with them? This seems like a weird problem to have.
Yes.
Always interesting to hear about something new I have had for decades.
Fuck off internet! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME!
You don’t make connections because Yoh believe you will be abandoned.
I don’t make connections because I know I would be a shitty friend and incapable of actually maintaining a friendship.
Not sure if this is how you meant it, but this is how I read it.
Why not both?
And if it continuously gets proven correct over and over? Still just a problem with me right?
Maybe a negativity schema from a parent who was very tightly wound and anxious. Kids learn this stuff before the age of five. I know that if I have ten positive interactions and one negative then the negative one is going to dictate the narrative I tell myself about the world. If you know what to look for it makes it possible to catch yourself falling into patterns of thought, identify why and learn to see things a bit differently. It doesn’t invalidate anything you’ve been through.
you can control yourself. you can’t control other people.
figure out who is causing it.
It’s clearly those fucks who stole me wee men! Usen ‘em ta summon tha’ bastard en yello!
This is a shit reference and I will not elaborate further unless you guess correctly.
Seen any ugly poodles lately?
Ya get it. It’s old man Henderson.
Relatable
Lol! This is pretty well the cycle for dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
GenX: triggered.
You can be all that with no fear of abadonment. Not having the energy to deal with people’s constant bullshit, just not particularly liking people, not being very good at talking to people and being heard and not taken advantage of- are all more than enough.
This incessant need by psychiatry to link trauma to abandonment and refuse any other reasoning, has lead to a lot of misdiagnosis, especially in women.
I’m generally not a big proponent of western therapy in general, so I’m not arguing that part of your comment, I just wanted to say - it’s normal to not be very good at talking to people. Like any skill, it takes practice, which requires accepting that you’ll be bad at it initially.
I did it, I went from socially awkward to people not believing me when I tell them I’m an introvert; “But you’re so sociable and charismatic!”. Gonna be honest, still don’t really want to talk to people. Like sure, I like having discussions and hashing ideas out with an external perspective, and I’m glad I developed the skill. But I don’t want to just, talk to people. It’s generally exhausting.
What if I’m extremely independent because over the last four decades I have been continuously abandoned, and have learned to adapt to my circumstances?
“Hyper-Independence” is not a problem. Free association is important and strong Independence protects that.
I know there are negative psychological elements to seeking it. For instance, asking for help makes me feel a sense of debt even when people insist I owe them nothing for it. So I generally dislike asking for help because I despise debt. Its like a grain of sand in my brain that makes me want to give up.
The only time I ask for help is when I realize if I don’t I will experience catastrophe without it or the damage of not asking for help will cause more regret than even any debt, imagined or real. And when it comes to that I feel self loathing as I feel like I’m taking advantage of people’s generosity. And to some degree: that’s true. I’ll be a lot nicer to someone who’s helping me if my well being depends on that help. I’ll hesitate to say what I really think or believe.
Having autism, I don’t want to have to follow societal social expectations either. So the more leverage I have the more I can say no or fuck off if something is just expected of people normally suddenly applies to me. Financial leverage seems like my only avenue to freedom from that nonsense. I cannot rely on allistics, and even if they come through I’ll be chained down by their social expectations of behavior. Its one of the reasons I reject full collectivist ideologies, and prefer Mutualism/Market Socialism. Mutualism is the farthest left you can go while still featuring a market, and that way I don’t have to navigate soft social rules to get stuff or feel guilt for getting it. The market exchange makes things fair and clean in my mind. I can say fuck off I have the money, give me what I need for it and leave me alone if I so desire and I know I’ll be able to do so again in the future. There’s no pressure to conform.
In a fully collectivist economy, if I separate myself from people I’d risk being viewed as unfit for the collective’s well being or some shit would would have to put up with interventions into how I personally live. Maybe be told its for my own good, or be told that its only fair. I couldn’t handle that kind of vulnerability so I’d have to work hard to pretend to fit in which I already know is exhausting. It’d be miserable.
People can say all they want “You don’t have to try and fit in” and they’re full of shit. Collectivists, communists, and “full” socialists might not realize it, but they’d subtly and unconsciously alienate or separate themselves from people like myself if I fully embraced who I am openly without masking. Or they’d insist on dictating to me how I need to do things.
I want to be free of debt (mental or real) and free of social bounds I view as stupid. I view a lot of taboos and social bounds as meaningless gibberish protecting people from things that are fundamentally harmless. I have to navigate that shit for survival, and I want to minimize that as much as possible.
Wow. ITT: Several people lashing out defensively at a simple definition statement, which was not directed at them, and they say doesn’t even apply to themselves.
meh. some people get offended and lash out for saying you like chicken.
defensive people think everything anyone else says or does is about them.
I have just come to realize I don’t like people. Nothing personal, I just don’t like you.
Yea. Me too.
Realizing this was a big ‘oh… that explains a lot’ moment for me. Learning to ask for help is a skill too.
Same moment of realization for me too…
I think I’d agree that asking for help would be a skill. In my opinion, it takes courage to put yourself out there and face all the shitty people that there may be and all the(ir) criticisms. On another note to that, getting help, getting dependant on that help, then what if it goes away? What next?
This i think is one of the things I struggle with in regards to asking for help. It’s terrifying.
Just wanted to get my thoughts out. Sorry if it’s not appropriate here.
